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Sunday, February 28, 2016

So today was nice?


I woke up late with no where to go, and nothing to do. I think some people call that sleeping in on a Saturday.


My head didn't hurt as much as it usually does. So that was nice.

By about 3pm ish, I actually left the house for a while. Went to Walmart, Sonic, Wendy's and In-n-Out.

It was really nice outside. Cool enough not to feel hot, but warm enough for a t-shirt, breeze outside, 70's?


I did not feel especially down, or moody.


I did the dishes. Several days worth. That took an hour and half. But my wife baked angel food cake, and macerated strawberries for strawberry shortcake. So have two sinks full of dishes again tomorrow, but the desert was lovely.

Other than the errand, and doing dishes, we basically watched Gilmore Girl's re-runs all day. I forgot how much I REALLY enjoyed that show. The wry wit, and comic timing are impeccable, it's so hard to find great writing, directing, and acting like that. Punchy.





Yet... I left the day with the usual empty feeling.



Like there's something I should have been doing (for years now) that would have made me the successful person I think I should be, but I'm too lazy so here I am.

I have 148 IQ, which is officially over the line for Genius. I have the typical low EQ to match. I am a text book genius, so gifted I could be anything, so gifted I'm too distracted to do anything, so I'm working for peanuts at for a corporation that pays OK, but still too broke to get fast food without checking the budget first.

As usual, I can see every disaster before it hits, but no one that needs to listen to me will, and no one that does listen to me can do anything, and the disaster hits, and I just watch. I could have prevented it, but they wouldn't let me. It's like watching an accident in slow motions months in advance, and then watching again in real time right in front of you. You feel like you could have stopped it, but then you realize you couldn't, because you are invisible.

Election season is worse, because I watch mass amounts of people voting for a man like Trump, which anyone with a brain can tell is an empty shell with no brain of his own... yet the uneducated, unthinking masses go for him in droves. What good does it do to be smarter than most humans? So you can see them destroy themselves, and you with them, and unlike them you see it coming? At least they get to enjoy the stupidity for a moment. It's like watching a train coming at you, and being unable to move.

I have this constant sinking feeling that if I applied just HALF of my mental capacity I could be independently wealthy by any standard right now. I could be discussing my intellectual property rights, and stock and property portfolios... not worried about whether I should get the $3 cheeseburger, because the one I really want is $5.


And yet... even as I sit here...


I am instantly full of "ideas" about what I could be doing to produce passive income, and lacking any motivation to actually do any of them. So I'm sitting here writing this.

At least if I was writing for a Niche Website, or working on my novel I would feel like I could pretend I was working on/towards something. But I'm not. I'm 35.5 years old right now, and my expectation for anything greater than this slips a little further away every year.

I had a niche website that was promising, I could have made something with it, and I didn't even write on it more than one day all year in 2015. So I just let the domain name expire. Who cares. What's the point.



So here I sit again. It's late.



I don't want to go to bed, because I'll wake up and it'll be tomorrow, and then it will be another night, and them Monday will come and I'll start all over.

I'm on a merry go round that hasn't stopped my entire life, and the music sucks.

I think I'll go try out that prayer chair thing again, then go to bed, I guess.




Darrell

Friday, February 26, 2016

Fretting



So I'm sitting the bathroom, fretting over the state of our country, and this election cycle. 


Then I had this thought:

God:
"Why are you fretting about something I have more control over than you?"

Then just now, I realized... that applies to more than just this election. 

That applies to every area of my life. 

  • Why am I trying to control the events and outcomes at my job? 

I don't have decision making control over that department?

  • Why am I worrying about my finances? 

I've proven TOTALLY incapable of managing my own money, or producing more out of thin air (or schemes).

  • Why AM I fretting about something God has more control over than me?
Maybe I could just let God be God... just this once.

LOL...

By Darrell

Pressure!

Squeeze, strain, burden, tension, compressing, crushing, encumbrance, heaviness, load...  PRESSURE!


pres·sure [ˈpreSHər] NOUN
  • the continuous physical force exerted on or against an object by something in contact with it:
  • "the slight extra pressure he applied to her hand"
  • the use of persuasion, influence, or intimidation to make someone do something:
  • "the proposals put pressure on Britain to drop its demand"

Not by be confused with:

Peace
  • relaxation, ease, peace

People pressure


There are so many people in this world. Customer people. Co-Worker people. Boss people. Family people. Drivers sharing the road people.

They all come with their emotional deposit, to place in me.

Every human interaction comes with an expectation or "proper" behavior, thoughts, feelings. Why can't my "feelings" today be strongly for something, and be strongly against the same thing tomorrow?

Why would you hold me to what I said yesterday? I don't remember what I said yesterday, this is what I'm saying today.

Task pressure


I guess it's the Genesis 3 curse, thorns and thistles, with the sweat of your brow you will bring forth food from the land.

Everywhere I go, it's "do more with less".

You do a great job, how about we increase your work load 430%, but please keep the same quality and consistency.

While you're at it, everyone else's work load increased by that much too, but they are less capable of handling it than you, so help them too will ya?

Don't be late on anything. We just can't imagine why this is bothering you so much?

WT?!

Planet pressure


I hate the human body. The entire experience of pleasure and pain is incomprehensible to me. If I had the opportunity to feel no pain, but the cost was no pleasure either, I would take it in a heart beat.

And what's with hunger and taste? Why can't everything taste the same and bring no pleasure, then I could eat only what I need and not what I don't, and I would have no PRESSURE to do otherwise.
Make me a machine, PLEASE make me a machine.

"Earth? What a terrible name for a planet, Earth. You may as well call it dirt. Planet dirt." Jetfire, Transformers.



When I come into work and see more work than I can handle, why does it make me panic inside?
When someone displays emotions in my presence, why does it give me the same feeling?Both require only one answer, escape.

This is especially true when they are combined into one thing. The overwhelming amount of tasks, are combined with people interactions. The combination of the two is insanity.

I lived in a car for six months (2006), and it didn't make me want to go back to drinking (sober since Jan 2002).

I work 4 months of 430% work load, that comes with 430% increase in people interactions, and I'm ready to not just fall off the sobriety wagon, but go running and screaming headlong into the ocean of it!

I go through each day, trying to remember WHY. Why would someone choose sobriety? Why did I? Why would I face other human beings without a chemical buffer between them and I? I can't recall...
I think I feel better now that I vented. Only a little, but a little is better than nothing.

Incremental wins.

Darrell

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

"Good" Night?


I have often wondered: Is there such a thing as a "Good" Night?



Do other human beings experience this phenomenon?

I suppose I have. I must have, in my nearly 36 years, experienced a hand full of "Good" nights. I can't recall at the moment.

For me, every night I've ever had, as long as I can remember, is a heavy experience. I do not want to go to bed. Going to bed would mean surrendering to tomorrow. If I go to bed, I will sleep, and wake up, and tomorrow will be here.

I'm not ready for tomorrow, not yet.

Tomorrow means getting ready, going into the world to face other human beings again, and their awful emotions.

I enjoy the idea of Spock. An alien who's race experiences emotions so deeply, that they are violent. Thus, they learn to control and suppress these emotions through Logic, defeating their only true enemy, Emotional Self.

That's me, Spock. I have found my enemy, he stands before me in the mirror.

Some may believe me when I try to present myself as not having emotions. Not the few who know me best, my wife for example, but some.

But, it's not true. I have them, possibly more deeply than most (like Spock). However, I am without the ability to process them, understand them, or experience them as such.

Maybe this is where I got my obsession with language and story.

Language is intimately tied to experience.Particularly, self-talk.

You may have a feeling, let's say a physical feeling like Hunger. But unless you understand that feeling, you can describe it in some basic sense, you know what to do about that feeling... you may just feel it, but not know what to do.

You may be a baby that cries, there's thing happening to me, in my belly area. It's uncomfortable, I don't like it, what is this? Crying commences.

But if you know it's hunger. It's a signal your body is giving you to eat. You then go, "Oh, I know this feeling. This is hunger. I will eat, and it will stop."

That's me with emotions.

I read one one of the many personality test sites that I've used over the years, that I am somewhat of an emotional chameleon. The description quite fit my experience well.

Often I can look like I'm showing great empathy. I actually feel what the other person is feeling, as they are describing it. It's like "Sympathy Pains", at the emotional level. But this is only partially true.


What's really happening, is they are using language to describe a feeling/experience. I do not possess this language, so I am learning the feeling through them. I absorb their current emotional state in the process, and it overwhelms my system. Like a computer crash, I shut down.

My shut down may simply look like a blank stare in my eye. Often though, it comes out as anger. Frustration about this feeling I'm having, it's uncomfortable, and I don't know what to do with it.

This happens at work when there are too many tasks at once, especially when those tasks involve interaction with other human beings, and very especially when those humans are in their own hyper-emotional state.

This happens with my wife, often. She experiences emotions so freely. She cries when she's happy, and sad. I can't tell the difference most of the time. It looks the same to me. Crying is related to pain, why would one cry when they are happy? That makes no sense to me. She has to tell me which is which, I can't tell.

When other humans beings express emotions over a 3 (on a 1-10 scale) I get this over-load feeling, and I shut down/crash. I either stare blankly, or I get angry/frustrated. Anger and frustration, I've learned, is not the normal healthy response to someone else's sadness, apparently.

All of that to say... Tomorrow.

There will be tasks, humans, and emotions. I don't mind the tasks as much... the other two... Uhg. Just the thought makes me want to stay up a few more hours, delay that "tomorrow" a little longer.

But I think I'll start getting ready for bed. It's an early day tomorrow.

"Good" Night to you, if there is such a thing. Live long, and prosper.

Darrell

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Taking the edge off



Today was tough. 

I walked up the path to the steps that lead to the entrance, and I stopped. I turned around, and looked at the beautiful day.

Today was my favorite kind of day. A cool 52* F, overcast Grey skies, no leaves on the trees (no pollen to sneeze), birds chirping, and a hint of mist as though rain would drip at any moment. That is my favorite type of weather. I should have been born in northern Ireland, or maybe Oregon?

Reluctantly, I headed inside. Inside is what I expected. Three days worth of work, and questions from every angle on top of it. Tomorrow three more days worth of work will get dog piled on me too, with no end in immediate sight.

Finally, at lunch time... I decided to break away.

A good walk, push ups, wieght lifts... takes edge off #Ennui
— Darrell Wolfe (@DarrellWolfe) February 22, 2016

I took a walk around the building, did some push ups on the stairs, lifted two 20 lbs weights, some leg lifts, and then headed back up the stairs to the coffin (I mean desk).

It didn't change things 180 degrees. I didn't come back pumped, and full of life. I still felt the same as I have for many years. But maybe, just maybe, the walk made me a little lighter. I may have smiled a few more times in the last half of my day.

I ended the day in some deep reflection about my personal life and relationship.

On balance, I guess it wasn't my worst day this month.

Darrell

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Dishes make my want to cry or scream, depending on the day.


I can tell my emotional state by looking at the sink.


In my home, we've decided the dishes and trash fall under my domain. These are my contribution to the household. I feel better if I do them at night before bed, and wake up to a clean kitchen.

Sometimes, many times, when get home from work and I look at the sink I feel an overwhelming flood of emotion. I don't know what this emotion is. It comes out as anger, but anger is almost always not a root emotion. Anger is usually a reaction to another emotion you don't want to experience or admit.

The task stands before me, it seems daunting, and the only word I that comes to mind is "overwhelming". It's as though the sink is about to swallow me. I often want to sit on the ground in the kitchen, and cry. But since I haven't really cried since I was a teenager, I just stare at it. I either shut down entirely, blank-emotional state, or I get angry.

I might try to blame my anger on my wife and kids: "Why do you just pile all this crap up in here?" But that's not really it. I'm not mad at them. I'm mad at my own inability to process simple emotions, to the point that dishes make me want to lay down and die.

In his book "The Mars and Venus Diet and Exercise Solution", John Gray discusses the differences between male and female brain chemistry. He described most of my problems with emotional state in terms of brain science and chemical imbalance, and it was remarkable how accurate it was.

Neurotransmitters, Serotonin and Dopamine, react differently in men and women.

Women tend to be more naturally Serotonin deficient. This leads to less feelings of wellbeing or peace or optimism. Connection with other people, helps the body produce higher levels of this chemical; hence the need for women to connect and talk more often.

Meanwhile, men tend to be more naturally Dopamine deficient. John Gray describes on his blog, "Dopamine is the brain chemical that gives us pleasure, increases our focus and makes us feel good". Without this chemical, the male cannot focus or feel good.

Men wake up in the morning with a finite amount of this Dopamine chemical. They go into the day, and use this as they perform decision making, or focus, tasks. When they come home, they have depleted this chemical, and tend to be "lazy" in mind and body. Talking requires focus and drains this chemical, so they don't want to talk, which the wife needs to refill her Serotonin. This creates a negative spiral of "I need what you don't have to get what I don't have".

Tasks help create more Dopamine. So this dis-engaged male, can go into task mode and come 'alive' again, as this helps to produce more of the needed chemical. This explains why I often feel better if I can push though my overwhelming feeling, and start doing the dishes as a "task". It helps to temporarily re-charge my tank.


Sometimes I just can't get past it. I need to shut down, either through sleep, or mindless scrolling through feeds.

So... that's interesting.

Darrell

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Just had to relearn this lesson again: #BeStillBeLed


So I spent most of today revamping a page on my site: "Got LIFE?"

Here is an excerpt:

Paradise Lost (Gen 3) 
Light shinning through the misty sky had dimmed. Evening arrived. Ish was sitting on the lawn, petting Kuf (his pet Monkey). Ishta was braiding the hair of her favorite Lion, Aryeh. 
Ish could feel his strength waning, as it tended to do this time of day. He took from the LIFE tree, and ate. A cool rush of strength flowed through his veins. Ishta took from the LIFE Fruit, and sat next to him. They lay under the the first stars peeping through, and fell asleep.
... to continue click (here).

Something occurred to me. It's simple, yet profound.

Sometimes you don't need to discover new answers. You just need to remember the answers you already discovered, and live them.

It could be said that 90-100% of the problems I'm going through mentally and emotionally could be solved if I lived what I wrote on that page several years ago. I revamped the page today, and upgraded the story-telling.

However, most of what's there is what was there already.

If I'm experiencing a lack of LIFE, then getting into HIS presence is the key.

So simple.

I suggest you click on the link above and read it, I was preaching to myself.

Just had to relearn this lesson again: #BeStillBeLed


Your Turn: That was my story, what's your story?

Tell the LIFE community about a story you encountered this week, and what you learned from it. 

Go to DarrellWolfe.Com, and comment on this at the bottom of this post.

Or, Hit me up on Twitter @DarrellWolfe , Google +DarrellWolfe, Facebook DarrellGWolfe,

Tweet These:
#TellYourStory#BeStillBeLed

By Darrell Wolfe

Storyteller, Creative, INFJIntellection, Ideation, Input, Learner, Achiever



For more book suggestions, see my Amazon Store:



Other Hobby Sties by Darrell:

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Thursday, February 11, 2016

One man's trash, is another father's play time.




I want to be a better father, spend more time with the kids. So the other day, I decided to pull myself out of my head, and funk, and spend time with my boys; on purpose.

I had a pile of old electronics (desk top PC, laptop PC, Android Tablet, DVD player, Nintendo DS, and other randomness) that was sitting around collecting dust. None of it worked anymore. So before we threw it away, I sat with my boys and let then tear it all apart.

We discussed what various components were. We discovered tablet batteries are soft and pliable, not like the hard batteries found in laptops. We also discovered, on accident, that they smell AWFUL when opened... I had to run out of the house with it. Oops.

The boys had fun, learned a few things about these magic devices we take for granted. I actually managed to sit with my children and engage them for more than 2 minutes. I learned my kids are pretty smart, and a lot of fun.

It was a successful night.


Your Turn: That was my story, what's your story?

Tell the LIFE community about a story you encountered this week, and what you learned from it. 

Go to DarrellWolfe.Com, and comment on this at the bottom of this post.

Or, Hit me up on Twitter @DarrellWolfe , Google +DarrellWolfe, Facebook DarrellGWolfe,

Tweet These:
#TellYourStory#BeStillBeLed

By Darrell Wolfe

Storyteller, Creative, INFJIntellection, Ideation, Input, Learner, Achiever



For more book suggestions, see my Amazon Store:



Other Hobby Sties by Darrell:

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