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Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Do I trust God?

So I was listening to a guest speaker at Lake City Church Idaho, Paul Young (here), from 12/07/14. He is the Author of "The Shack" and he was amazing. It was like listening to my future self to me now about the healing I need but haven't fully realized yet.

If you want to hear me in a time capsule, go listen to that message. The weird thing is that it wasn't just a generic message I "needed to hear right now". I've heard many of those over the years. Rather; it was like every single point of his story resonated with me. He was a pastor's kid, who struggled with anger and addiction and depression, who overcame and wrote a novel. There were so many points where I said "Hey! That's me!"

I suggest you listen to it, then read the book. I'm downloading the Kindle version tomorrow.

The theme of the message was "Trust God".

We've been trained to say we trust him, but, if the house is burning down do we? Do we really?

I'll let you ponder that and go listen to him.

Good night!


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By Darrell Wolfe

Storyteller, Creative, INFJIntellection, Ideation, Input, Learner, Achiever

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Sunday, March 27, 2016

Story Seed: Earth 2.0

After 300 (?) years two cultures develop on opposite continents of Earth 2.0.

Darwinism has become a dogmatic religion, but manifested in two cultures (advanced and barbaric).

Intelligent Design Science becomes the new threat to the World order, inspiring exploration and rational inquiry.

This leads to a greater discovery... they did not develop here naturally, but came from a different planet of origin on a space ship...from Earth 1.0.

Friday, March 25, 2016

Do you fear death?

I was listening to a pastor on the radio this morning, giving his easter message. He asked "Do you fear death?" and I laughed.

Firstly, because it reminded me of a scene from Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - Davy Jones Introduction (here). Davy Jones asks "Do you fear death, boy?"

Secondly, it's such a silly sounding question in my mind.

How could ANY believer fear death?

To die is to be with Jesus?

No more questions, doubts, fears, lack, poverty, sickness or 'death' of any kind. In my mind, to fear death is an absolutely preposterous idea. In fact, it's been my single highest desire and request since at least ten years old "Please let me leave this stupid planet, and come home."

Now pain, I fear. I don't want pain. If you told me I could have death, but it would come with pain I'd be the first to shy away from that. In fact, that is why life is what I fear, not death.

The question should be, "Do you fear life?"

To that I can give a resounding "YES!"

To solve that... would be my greatest win.

For me... life is torture. I was given a mind to understand mysteries, and a character/emotional state that shatters at a pin drop.

I keep ending up in the same places. People impressed by my cognitive abilities, and surprised by my lack of emotional strength. What others feel is light pressure, I always perceive as torture.

I keep ending up in human/people facing jobs, but it's human interaction that is my Achilles Heel.

What always amazes me is the people who go on and on about how great life is... that is something I've never experienced. Why are all these people so dang happy all the time?

It's like the rest of humanity is in on some joke, but I'm the only one in the room that speaks another language.


Monday, March 21, 2016

Small Wins

I had the Check Engine light go off on the car. 

That, alone, has been enough to put me into a funk for weeks. I breathed, tried not to panic.

O'Reilly Auto Parts pulled the code, and it was a Thermostat ($30). Most shops wanted $200 for the repair (including parts), but YouTube made it look like I could do it myself.

It's estimated to take a professional mechanic 1.5 hours, it took me 4 hours. Yeah! I did it.

I didn't even kick and scream and yell once. I did loose a tool in the engine area... but I stayed calm, and got it out, and continued.

Celebrating the small wins tonight.


Wednesday, March 16, 2016


I have an eclectic set of thoughts tonight. 

My neck hurts, most of the time, but especially today. I don't like going to bed, my neck always hurts through the night, and I wake up stiff.

So I'm sitting here listing to my "***Surrender***" play-list on Spotify.

Revival not elections. Billye Brim reminded me that the Lord said through her prayer meetings that America will not be saved through elections, but through revival.

That reminded me of how worked up I've been over this primary season.

I'm also thinking about the episode of Librarians I just watched (Dark heart). The heart warming story of a serial killer... that they stopped. They freed a magic house to go and help people again.

Work has been tough. I have two days off this week, so after tomorrow, four day weekend!

I'm going to listen to my music and then go to bed.


Monday, March 7, 2016

Oy vey

I feel Oy Vey!


Oy vey or oyvey ist mir is a Yiddish phrase expressing dismay or exasperation. Also spelled oy vay, oy veh, or oivey, and often abbreviated to oy, the expression may be translated as, "oh, woe!" or "woe is me!" Its Hebrew equivalent is oy vavoy.
Oy is found many times in the Bible (see Numbers 21:29, I Samuel 4:7 and Isaiah 3:11 for a few examples). Vey is newer than oy; it is oy’s Aramaic equivalent.

I feel like this today. I'm forcing myself to take a lunch today. I often don't feel I can. Not because of anything a boss told me, just my own internal clock. If I have 30 things to do today, and time enough for only 5-8 of them, I feel I cannot take a break.

Exhausted before I start.

Hours worked never burn me out, tasks incomplete do. I could work 55 hours but keep my to-do list under the stress bar and feel invigorated. I can work 35 hours with a long to-do list that never ends, and I feel like taking a spike and driving it through my head! Figuratively... mostly.

In fact, when work cut back on overtime (OT) because they know we're too busy, and wanted to keep us from burning out, they accidentally screwed someone like me. Someone who's to-do list is not longer without the additional OT. The shorter hours and longer to-do list are MORE stressful than longer hours and shorter to-do list.

So much so, that only two months of this reduced OT and I'm now completely burnt out. I worked 50-55 hours for years and years... but 40-45 hour weeks have screwed me. I need to leave, run away, run screaming for the hills... at least... that's how I feel right now.

In fact, my current mental state is so marred the hours I do work are harder than they were before. I have a harder time focusing, and I'm now looking for medication for stress. I'm starting with natural herbal remedies, but I'm considering going to the Doctor for Prozac.

I guess in the end I shouldn't internalize the stress like this. It's their to-do list, not mine. At the end of the day, it's them, not me, who will suffer from my reduced productivity (hours and mentally).

And it's them who have already lost me... looking for a new job. One in which my time is more my own.

In the meantime... I forced myself to take a lunch today. I guess I'll go back at the end of my hour, and hope to focus on one thing at a time until the clock ticks over... since it's obvious my to-do list is screwed.

Stressed! Darrell

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Panic Attack

Today started out well. I had a lovely morning, with a few pleasant distractions.

Then I went to work.

I walked in to what was an already overwhelming situation. It's not important to discuss the details. It is sufficient to say that I have a 660% workload, and I'm past burn out. I think I passed that three months ago.

And yet... I still care.

I know that it's literally impossible for any human being to do what I'm doing with anything other than a passing touch on quality work. And yet I struggle and strive to get it done anyway.

My name is on that work.

But I can't focus. I try to gather my thoughts, make some to-do lists, and then I get a whole new pile of crap dumped on me during the day. I can't touch one single thing I started the day with, not one.

I normally work some overtime, because I can dig out a little. But today? I gave up. What's the point.

I had such trouble breathing, focusing, and keeping my blood pressure in line, that I had to get up and leave. I took a real lunch, outside the building.

It helped a little, but the stupid spring is already here. It was 78 degrees and I have no air conditioning in the car until my back-ordered part comes in.

I got no winter, that sucked.

Well... there's that.



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