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When did "The Great Sadness" start for me?



In The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity Paperback (*affiliate link), Author William P. Young describes the depression that follows tragedy "The Great Sadness".

Where did my Great Sadness start? 

I remember being sad all my life. I wanted to die (leave earth more specifically, I was open to an Enoch or Elijah type exit) as early as 5th grade. 
  • I guess my dad leaving the ministry to announce to the world he was an atheist was tough.
  • Dad leaving the house to be a crack addict was tough.
  • Brother dying was a relief, him leaving his daughter behind without a dad was tough.
These all happened by the time I was grown (18+)

I don't recall the year, but Uncle Glen leaving us... that was the moment my life became a tad more bitter. 

He was one of the few who could cheer me up, make me laugh, help me navigate an otherwise crazy family. I still use his handkerchief bunny and disappearing quarter tricks on kids today. And I still enjoy a good round of pool (billiards). 

When his wife Blanche died he just stopped showing up. I found out later that she was his blood tie to the family, and when she died he did not feel obligated to show up anymore. Frankly... when I got old enough neither did I. There was nothing warm and fuzzy about my family. 

I get that he didn't want to show up to family events (Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc... ) neither did I. I stopped going when I got old enough too. 

But the fact he cut ME out (my middle name was named after him).... THAT was tough. He was the closet thing I really had to someone to look up to in my family. Him and Jim.

I felt his death when he stopped showing up (years before he eventually actually died physically). That was a loss... and a great sadness... and it felt like a betrayal. 

There was something in our relationship that felt like a promise.. a promise he broke by cutting us out... 

I guess I feel that way with God too. 

Jesus showed up in the sky when I was young, right there in front of me... if felt like a promise I couldn't quite verbalize... I had other spiritual experiences... but ultimately nothing came of any of that. I thought I found something in 2002-2004... but it came up empty too. 

My life feels like a series of broken promises... meaningless goal setting... dreams that I wished I didn't dream.

I just wish I could be a "normie". Go to work, head to the bar for a few drinks with the guys, and head home to a family I enjoyed. 

I wish I wasn't irritated all the time; as though the act of being awake was itself the greatest irritation of all.

But I am... I just... am.

Glen... I forgive you for leaving me before you left the world. You did what you had to do with the end of your life. I'd probably have done the same.

Jesus... You and I are stilling working this whole thing out. But I forgive you for slights that I perceived (even though I intellectually know that you've always only been there for me, I still struggle to believe that).

You are weaving tapestry I cannot see from my perspective. Maybe I never will until I get to the other side of eternity. 

I just wish I could be the engaged, interested, 'present', joyful person everyone wants me to be... I'm a great actor... I just wish I could be who I try to be on the outside.

Ce la vie.

Darrell

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Darrell's Reading List


Here are some books I've been reading lately:
  • Hacker: The Outlaw Chronicles (here) by Ted Dekker (Author). The story of a young Hacker girl, who went on a wild adventure into the supernatural realm beyond trying to save her mom, but saved her self too in the process.
  • Saint: A Paradise Novel (here) by Ted Dekker (Author). He's an assassin, or is he? He finds a secret to his past that unlocks supernatural abilities, at a cost.
  • For a full list of all my book suggestions, see my Amazon Store.

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