Skip to main content

Processesing my time with Dr. Bob - Session #2

As I sit here... pondering my day and second session with Dr. Bob, I'm a whirl of thoughts and maybe even some... dare I say... emotions?

In his book, Think Differently Live Differently (affiliate link), Study Guide for chapter one (pg14-15), he asks a question related to the Parable of the Kingdom (Acrobat) that seemed almost trite at first.... but now it's starting to gnaw at me... like it's more important than I realized.
Come and Play - What's something you loved to do as a child? Can you do that this week?


While I ponder all of the days events, conversations, and this question... I'm listening to A Deeper Level: Live (affiliate link), by Israel & New Breed. The opening song, So Come (with intro)(YouTube link) always found a way to stir my heart, even at it's hardest. Something about it reminds me of.... me... younger me.
I had a love hate relationship with music and worship all my life.

When I surrendered to Jesus on August 8, 2002, I was playing worship songs ANGRY at God at the time. I told him I'd do anything but pastor.

He said "go back into music."
I replied anything "anything but pastor and music."
He said, "you asked."

So I did... he immediately confirmed with signs and wonders... but then it got hard again.

I had taken music, over the years before and since, and turned it into a chore. Something to perfect. The harder I worked it, the harder it got, until one day.... I just couldn't take it anymore and I put it all away.

I'd then pick it up, put it away, and so on...

When I think about "why"? I get the feeling: "Fake". I always felt like a sham, fake, like everyone else here is genuine but me.

I knew I was saved, spirit filled, born again... so it wasn't that...

I knew I was forgiven, blood bought, blood washed, the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, more than a conqueror..... yada yada.... That wasn't it. I didn't feel guilty.... just fake.

Like.... if I believe this stuff, which I do, why am I still filled with more desire to do "wrong" than "right"? I'm going to leave this worship service I'm leading, go home, and before the night is over I'll have turned on pornography.... wished for a pill to pop... wished for a swig of JD... and I have no business standing here in this condition.

...until one day... I just couldn't anymore.

I not only stopped playing, I stopped listening. I couldn't sit in a worship service in any church, I'd either show up late to miss it on purpose, or go to the bathroom or find someone to talk to in the lobby... find a rock decoration very interesting... anything to keep me out of service during music time. I couldn't hear it on the radio, unless I endured it for the wife and kids. It was silence or talk radio. That was all before I even left California to come to Texas. I had a brief reprieve, having changed my environment (lowest level of change), but only brief. Then I just still couldn't do it anymore... again.

One day, I was feeling rather dead... I heard HolySpirit say to me: "Sing to me... like you did when you were younger."

I got so mad! Music... there it is again! I picked up my guitar, only now my callouses were gone. It hurt, I played so badly it hurt my music-sensitive ears. I nearly threw the guitar across the room... "See, I can't!"

Recently, I've been in a church that plays exceptionally good music... even for my discriminating tastes. So good in fact, there's NO change I'd end up on the platform because it would take far more work to get back up to speed and then further to get to their speed... but this means... no pressure. Nobody is going to say "Oh, you play? We need you on stage!" They've got more musicians than they can handle, and certainly better ones than me. No pressure to play...

In that zero pressure environment... with world class musicians... I find myself free to just... play! I play the one instrument I have the least training with, and found the most enjoyment with... drums! I take my air sticks, and play along with the drummer. One guy even commented that he enjoyed sitting behind me that day because my playing air drum really ministered to him... if you can believe that?!

In light of the Parable of the Acrobat (Kingdom), younger didn't mean the 13 year old that was learning to play guitar by playing worship songs (all four chords, LOL)(this was the image I had in my head when he said younger).

Younger meant MUCH younger... the youngest pictures I have from my child-hood (six months years old, two and three, etc.) show me in front of a piano, pretending to play a guitar, playing a kiddy-drum set... I wasn't REALLY playing any of those things.  I was just playing.

Music was an experience to be had (right brain), not a craft to be perfected (left brain). It was Playing In His Presence! For some people this question might mean that they pick up the guitar again, or start writing that story, or get the tools out and work on their hot rod.... for me... I think it means, in part, that I need to pretend to play those things and just PLAY in His Presence.

----

Today with Dr. Bob we chatted about many things... I'm learning I don't have to memorize them all... but I'd like to preserve the most important things here in case I forget.

Emotions are not bad, unless peeing is bad. Peeing releases the toxins built up in the bladder after cleaning your system. Expression of emotion is the same kind of release. Crying, though it doesn't feel "good", is a release of toxic emotions that the spirit is trying to clean out of the system. If you don't let the crying continue, you stop the cleansing, and back up the system creating toxic build up.

The mechanism of addiction is fueled by Pain and Emptiness. If we can remove those fuels, even without removing the mechanism, we can make strides toward Freedom.

Right/Left Brain and the Language of Emotion. Small children/babies, are incapable of using their left brain to describe things yet. They are almost wholly developing their right brains. The stares into your eyes are their attempt to establish connection. That "experience" is totally right brained. As they develop, they learn language "ouch" "sting" to describe the experiences they have. The left brain develops and ideally adds to the overall experience by the gift of language. However, as we develop we often over develop the left brain to the point that we then retreat into the left brain; being able to describe experiences we are not having. Thus: "I understand and agree (left brain) that God loves me, but I don't believe/feel (right brain) in my heart that He loves me."

Why did Jesus teach in Parables? So that seeing they wouldn't see and hearing they wouldn't hear.... in other words... so that they would not learn something with their left brain that they haven't LEARNED (experienced) with their heart (right brain). He was trying to bring them an experience not a new set of thoughts.

Open an emotional conduit - Spock is a bad idol, cast that idol down. I've lived a life believing I had MORE emotions than other humans (like Spock/Vulcans) and needed to turn down the volume through drugs, alcohol, pornography, sex, or whatever other thing I could use... blogging.... But what if I don't have more emotions than others, I just have them backed up (I haven't emotionally peed in years). There's so many emotions because I'm not expressing/experiencing them, creating back pressure. By living in the left brain, I'm describing things I'm not experiencing, but I'm also lacking the language of emotions (right brain language). Without that language I lack the conduit through which to fully experience. And if I have an experience I cannot describe, I discount it and push it down. It's like I have a fire hydrant's worth of emotion trying to squeeze through a conduit the size of a straw. By widening the conduit (through developing language around emotion and allowing the experience, not stopping it), the flow will increase but the pressure from the back up will eventually lessen. Eventually, I could reach a place where they flow freely and the pressure behind them will be missing. The conduit can be increased like any muscle in the body. However, until I develop that right brain language, I may have experiences I cannot describe. Dr. Bob will work with me to develop that language, but I may find myself having experiences I cannot describe or understand, just let it be.... let it happen...

Establishing real connections with others, instead of the counterfeits I've been trying to use. That means opening up, and telling trusted others what you need from them; in bite size pieces if need be. This will be scary, but I need to start to consider what this could mean for me, logistically. How I can start to establish the connections to get my legitimate needs met legitimately, instead of through counterfeits? If I've lived a life deaf to emotions, I will need to find these connections in new ways... and take them in smaller pieces so as not to overwhelm.

On that note... I'm going to go experience this song... then either head home or... yeah I should head home. I can finish reading there. :)

So, broken or whole, "right or wrong", that's what I'm thinking about today,

Darrell W.









Comments

Connect With Me

Popular posts from this blog

An Open Letter: John Stumpf, Wells Fargo Board, and Policy Making Departments

On 12/28/13, I wrote the following letter to the then CEO & President of Wells Fargo, John Stumpf. It was in part, a response to the LA Times Article and the poor response from Wells Fargo leadership.

I later worked for the executive office and saw how they handle these letters. They assign them to a paper-pusher who could care less. They draft a form response, and it gets tallied in the statistics.

By the time it makes it to the CEO, it's only data in a pie chart. "We had 365 complaints this month. x number of complaints about checking, y number about sales practices, Etc." They tally it up, if it's not a big enough stat, it gets zero attention. Most things that do require attention get just enough to make it go away, but never deal with the root.

I was one of many hundreds who spoke up loudly and actively for years before 2013 and years after. The news cycle of 2016 showed that it cost them $185 Million dollars to ignore the feedback their frontline Team Membe…

Topos Transitions

Transitions are rough. I've been through many seasons of my life where I had to make a transition. At each and every stage it was tough. There are always things you miss about the last season, things you are hoping for in the next season, and things you can't wait to be rid of in the season you're leaving behind.Whether you are sensing the winds of change blowing you out of your current situation, you are in the middle of the trip, or the winds are at your back and you settling in to your new spot... Remember this word: ToposTopos is a Greek word and it essentially means:Your strategic position of opportunity and influence.Make your Topos count today, wherever you are.Darrell




White Nose | Scene 3

The Aleve took effect with the help of two breakfast whiskey sours. It had been three days since his tussle in town and he still couldn't sleep, despite the nighttime cocktail.
Beams of light broke through the trees outlining Ash's house, tucked back off of the main road by a mile long rock driveway. One such beam was tanning his pale country face as he rocked on an old wooden chair he'd carved himself. Whittling was one of his most relaxing and profitable talents.
One look in the mirror each summer reminded him that he only retained two colors, pale Irish freckle and redneck red. Ash was careful to avoid too much contact with summer's star.
Dust down the drive revealed the presence of a visitor before the sound of tires on gravel confirmed it. Ash hasn't been visited by more than three people in the eight years he'd been back in town, so he picked up the hunting rifle, just in case.
The scope showed the local sheriff, his friend Dan. He didn't usually com…

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger????

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.Ask a Vet with an amputated limb if they feel stronger now or before the limb was taken... I'd bet before. Injury, all injury, is by definition a lack of perfection. What doesn't kill you, more often than not,  makes you weaker, more timid, more cautious, slower... Not stronger.Sure, we can learn from the past, become more resilient. We can use pressure, under certain circumstances, to build resistance based strengths, like a body builder pushing back on the resistance of the weights... But by no means is the saying: "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" an accurate portrayal of Truth, nor should it EVER be spoken to someone in pain.The enemy comes ONLY to steal, kill, and destroy, that's why the pain/attack came, not to make you stronger but to kill you.God's Grace brought you through but He didn't bring you to...God's Grace can heal you too.Selah#LiesAboutGod

Writers Block - How do you write when you don't know what to write?

So, I recently had a comment on this blog. I'm not sure if it's ligit but I think that it's a question a lot of writers ask:


"... I was curious to find out how you center yourself and cⅼear your tһoughts before writіng. I have had trouble clearing my thoughts in getting my thoughts out. I truly dߋ take pleasurе in writing, however, it just seems like the fіrѕt 10 to 15 minutes is wasted just trying to figure out how to begin. Any recommendations or tips? Appгеciate іt!" AnonymousJuly 1, 2017 at 4:31 PM


The way this is phrase means that this is either a spam comment or it's just a google translate comment. Not sure. Nevertheless, it's a good question.

Having a mind that is clear isn't necessary for writing. Writing requires thoughts. My professor once said: "Throw up on the page, we can clean it up afterward". And that's done wonders for me. If you are going to write, just start. You could end up with something so long and winding that you…

What is a Topos? A strategic position of opportunity and influence

What does Topos mean?Topos is a Greek word meaning: "Place, or Opportunity"
Properly:Any portion of space marked off, as it were, from surrounding, space Metaphorically: The condition or station held by one in any company or assemblyopportunity, power, occasion for actingA spot (general in space, but limited by occupancy; whereas chora is a large but participle locality). As used by me: Topos is a strategic position of opportunity and influence
Topos: Your Calling Everyone has a God given calling on this earth. There is something you were created and designed to do. What you are doing now may be "The Calling"; or, it may be the calling for this season of your life. Either way, you are either in your Topos, or you need to find it.

As you read the stories of biblical heros like Noah, Abraham, Joseph, Moses, David, Nehemiah, Peter, and Paul... etc... you find that God put them in the right place to do the right thing at the right time.

They ended up in their Topos, …

Valley Seasons Church Notes

Pastor JO

Heart Of The City Church
June 10, 2017
====================================
Mountains, Valleys & Plains Part 2
null
http://bible.com/events/230949
====================================
• You have to learn to live with and in the valleys.

II Corinthians 11:23-27 NKJV
Are they ministers of Christ?—I speak as a fool—I am more: in labors more abundant, in stripes above measure, in prisons more frequently, in deaths often. From the Jews five times I received forty stripes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods; once I was stoned; three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I have been in the deep; in journeys often, in perils of waters, in perils of robbers, in perils of my  own countrymen, in perils of the Gentiles, in perils in the city, in perils in the wilderness, in perils in the sea, in perils among false brethren; in weariness and toil, in sleeplessness often, in hunger and thirst, in fastings often, in cold and nakedness—
http://bible.com/114/2co.11.23-27.N…

Freedom From vs Freedom ToBe

For many Freedom is understood through the lense if being free from...Addiction
Pain
Loneliness
Him/Her
The Situation
The Job
Debt
Poverty
Etc.So we follow the rat race seeking whatever we think will make us free. When that doesn't provide the freedom we sought, we seek another fix, and another... An endless cycle of seeking freedom but never being free.What if Freedom has nothing to do with whatever jail you are in, however you've defined your personal jail.What if Freedom is about becoming WHO you were always meant to be... And in that pursuit all the "other" (addiction, pain, the jails) falls off when you aren't even looking...You don't know when you got "free from", you just look back and realize you don't have all the issues you had. You have battles in front of you but you have definitely won some battles too, and you didn't​even notice you had won.It's as though the act of becoming a butterfly was so profound that you have trouble…

White Noise | Distortion | Scene Two | TBC

A few THC pills, more than necessary, stopped Ash's hands from shaking as he filled a short glass with ice and Jameson's. Topping it off with a sleeping pill, and the night was sure to embrace him soon.

The night air bit his nose as Ash stepped out onto the patio; he'd spent worse nights than this in the deserts. Ash zipped up the sub-zero sleeping bag and settled into the hammock. Night owls and bats were still out this time of year and they're combined symphony was the final step to his sleep concoction.

***

The mess hall wasn't as full this time of day. The food was dry by late afternoon but it was never very good anyway. Ash twirled spegettiini on his fork as two guys nearby chattered on about what they'd do when they get home.
Suddenly time slowed down. The roof caved in and a compression wave through him against the wall. He slid down the wall losing consciousness. 
When he came-to a few moments later there was total chaos. Other buildings were collapsing, m…

Become not do

From 7 Habits of Highly Effective People:As Emerson once put it, “What you are shouts so loudly in my ears I cannot hear what you say.”It's one thing to put on a smile at work on a bad day because the customer doesn't need to know about that. You got a job to do. We've all had to do that and it's ok.It's another thing to lie to those closer to you, or worse yourself. Who you are produces what you do. If those two are not aligned it creates cognitive dissonance, spiritual tremors, anxiety breakdowns.The solution isn't to stop doing good or well... though that's exactly what you'll be tempted to do to some the cognitive dissonance.The solution it's to become who you were created to be. As you become, your doing gets better as a byproduct.#ScratchTheNewLimb
#ChangeTheFocusDarrell

About Me

My photo

Hi! My name is Darrell G. Wolfe. I am a wealth of random information and I make complicated things simple at DarrellWolfe.com.

I have a knack for absorbing information, breaking it down to its root elements, and teaching it to others.

Most importantly, I help purpose-driven people to understand their place in His-Story and provide them the tools they need to fulfill their unique position of opportunity and influence in this world (their Topos).