Skip to main content

Processesing my time with Dr. Bob - Session #2

As I sit here... pondering my day and second session with Dr. Bob, I'm a whirl of thoughts and maybe even some... dare I say... emotions?

In his book, Think Differently Live Differently (affiliate link), Study Guide for chapter one (pg14-15), he asks a question related to the Parable of the Kingdom (Acrobat) that seemed almost trite at first.... but now it's starting to gnaw at me... like it's more important than I realized.
Come and Play - What's something you loved to do as a child? Can you do that this week?


While I ponder all of the days events, conversations, and this question... I'm listening to A Deeper Level: Live (affiliate link), by Israel & New Breed. The opening song, So Come (with intro)(YouTube link) always found a way to stir my heart, even at it's hardest. Something about it reminds me of.... me... younger me.
I had a love hate relationship with music and worship all my life.

When I surrendered to Jesus on August 8, 2002, I was playing worship songs ANGRY at God at the time. I told him I'd do anything but pastor.

He said "go back into music."
I replied anything "anything but pastor and music."
He said, "you asked."

So I did... he immediately confirmed with signs and wonders... but then it got hard again.

I had taken music, over the years before and since, and turned it into a chore. Something to perfect. The harder I worked it, the harder it got, until one day.... I just couldn't take it anymore and I put it all away.

I'd then pick it up, put it away, and so on...

When I think about "why"? I get the feeling: "Fake". I always felt like a sham, fake, like everyone else here is genuine but me.

I knew I was saved, spirit filled, born again... so it wasn't that...

I knew I was forgiven, blood bought, blood washed, the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, more than a conqueror..... yada yada.... That wasn't it. I didn't feel guilty.... just fake.

Like.... if I believe this stuff, which I do, why am I still filled with more desire to do "wrong" than "right"? I'm going to leave this worship service I'm leading, go home, and before the night is over I'll have turned on pornography.... wished for a pill to pop... wished for a swig of JD... and I have no business standing here in this condition.

...until one day... I just couldn't anymore.

I not only stopped playing, I stopped listening. I couldn't sit in a worship service in any church, I'd either show up late to miss it on purpose, or go to the bathroom or find someone to talk to in the lobby... find a rock decoration very interesting... anything to keep me out of service during music time. I couldn't hear it on the radio, unless I endured it for the wife and kids. It was silence or talk radio. That was all before I even left California to come to Texas. I had a brief reprieve, having changed my environment (lowest level of change), but only brief. Then I just still couldn't do it anymore... again.

One day, I was feeling rather dead... I heard HolySpirit say to me: "Sing to me... like you did when you were younger."

I got so mad! Music... there it is again! I picked up my guitar, only now my callouses were gone. It hurt, I played so badly it hurt my music-sensitive ears. I nearly threw the guitar across the room... "See, I can't!"

Recently, I've been in a church that plays exceptionally good music... even for my discriminating tastes. So good in fact, there's NO change I'd end up on the platform because it would take far more work to get back up to speed and then further to get to their speed... but this means... no pressure. Nobody is going to say "Oh, you play? We need you on stage!" They've got more musicians than they can handle, and certainly better ones than me. No pressure to play...

In that zero pressure environment... with world class musicians... I find myself free to just... play! I play the one instrument I have the least training with, and found the most enjoyment with... drums! I take my air sticks, and play along with the drummer. One guy even commented that he enjoyed sitting behind me that day because my playing air drum really ministered to him... if you can believe that?!

In light of the Parable of the Acrobat (Kingdom), younger didn't mean the 13 year old that was learning to play guitar by playing worship songs (all four chords, LOL)(this was the image I had in my head when he said younger).

Younger meant MUCH younger... the youngest pictures I have from my child-hood (six months years old, two and three, etc.) show me in front of a piano, pretending to play a guitar, playing a kiddy-drum set... I wasn't REALLY playing any of those things.  I was just playing.

Music was an experience to be had (right brain), not a craft to be perfected (left brain). It was Playing In His Presence! For some people this question might mean that they pick up the guitar again, or start writing that story, or get the tools out and work on their hot rod.... for me... I think it means, in part, that I need to pretend to play those things and just PLAY in His Presence.

----

Today with Dr. Bob we chatted about many things... I'm learning I don't have to memorize them all... but I'd like to preserve the most important things here in case I forget.

Emotions are not bad, unless peeing is bad. Peeing releases the toxins built up in the bladder after cleaning your system. Expression of emotion is the same kind of release. Crying, though it doesn't feel "good", is a release of toxic emotions that the spirit is trying to clean out of the system. If you don't let the crying continue, you stop the cleansing, and back up the system creating toxic build up.

The mechanism of addiction is fueled by Pain and Emptiness. If we can remove those fuels, even without removing the mechanism, we can make strides toward Freedom.

Right/Left Brain and the Language of Emotion. Small children/babies, are incapable of using their left brain to describe things yet. They are almost wholly developing their right brains. The stares into your eyes are their attempt to establish connection. That "experience" is totally right brained. As they develop, they learn language "ouch" "sting" to describe the experiences they have. The left brain develops and ideally adds to the overall experience by the gift of language. However, as we develop we often over develop the left brain to the point that we then retreat into the left brain; being able to describe experiences we are not having. Thus: "I understand and agree (left brain) that God loves me, but I don't believe/feel (right brain) in my heart that He loves me."

Why did Jesus teach in Parables? So that seeing they wouldn't see and hearing they wouldn't hear.... in other words... so that they would not learn something with their left brain that they haven't LEARNED (experienced) with their heart (right brain). He was trying to bring them an experience not a new set of thoughts.

Open an emotional conduit - Spock is a bad idol, cast that idol down. I've lived a life believing I had MORE emotions than other humans (like Spock/Vulcans) and needed to turn down the volume through drugs, alcohol, pornography, sex, or whatever other thing I could use... blogging.... But what if I don't have more emotions than others, I just have them backed up (I haven't emotionally peed in years). There's so many emotions because I'm not expressing/experiencing them, creating back pressure. By living in the left brain, I'm describing things I'm not experiencing, but I'm also lacking the language of emotions (right brain language). Without that language I lack the conduit through which to fully experience. And if I have an experience I cannot describe, I discount it and push it down. It's like I have a fire hydrant's worth of emotion trying to squeeze through a conduit the size of a straw. By widening the conduit (through developing language around emotion and allowing the experience, not stopping it), the flow will increase but the pressure from the back up will eventually lessen. Eventually, I could reach a place where they flow freely and the pressure behind them will be missing. The conduit can be increased like any muscle in the body. However, until I develop that right brain language, I may have experiences I cannot describe. Dr. Bob will work with me to develop that language, but I may find myself having experiences I cannot describe or understand, just let it be.... let it happen...

Establishing real connections with others, instead of the counterfeits I've been trying to use. That means opening up, and telling trusted others what you need from them; in bite size pieces if need be. This will be scary, but I need to start to consider what this could mean for me, logistically. How I can start to establish the connections to get my legitimate needs met legitimately, instead of through counterfeits? If I've lived a life deaf to emotions, I will need to find these connections in new ways... and take them in smaller pieces so as not to overwhelm.

On that note... I'm going to go experience this song... then either head home or... yeah I should head home. I can finish reading there. :)

So, broken or whole, "right or wrong", that's what I'm thinking about today,

Darrell W.









Comments

Connect With Me

Popular posts from this blog

It's a new season...

I just read a Facebook post from a friend/close acquaintance I know who was just laid off from a place I wanted to work at one time. It reminded me of my current season here...

I came to North Idaho with plans.... and they haven't worked out the way I intended. I'm not living where I thought I'd live, working where I thought I'd work, or doing the things I thought I'd be doing.

This season feels like a microcosm of my life... I'm not where I thought I'd be by now. I'm having trouble coming up with the motivation to do the things I maybe ought to be doing.

*Shhhh... Do you feel that? That wind gently blowing through the trees, down the hills, brushing your shoulders...

It's a new season! It's a fresh anointing.... it's coming your way.

The past doesn't matter. Not ten years ago, ten months ago, or ten minutes ago. God is always ready, ever ready, to do a new thing. He does best with participating people.

If you are feeling like I am, it…

White Noise - Distortion - Grounded Cafe - Re-Write #3

*White Noise - Distortion - Grounded Cafe - Re-Write #3

***
Grounded Cafe
Through the window of the Grounded Cafe, Ash noticed two men dressed in all black duck behind a blue minivan. Ice ran down his spine. His right arm shot to the Glock 9mm at his side. Sucking a breath he took a second look—  They were gone. Black mist poured out from under the minivan and evaporated into the early morning air.

He shook his head, closed his eyes. Counting to ten, silently, Ash released the grip on his sidearm, which he now realized was a tape measure and not a Glock. Ash hadn’t had a right to carry a weapon since he left the service. He let his arm fall to his side. Reality settled back onto his shoulders.

A college age girl walked by just outside the window, head buried in her smartphone. She bumped into Chester, the town’s crazy old homeless man who was headed the other direction. She didn’t even notice. He gave her a dirty looked and kept walking the other way. She sat down at a table just outs…

Simply Grateful: It's more blessed to give than receive... So be humble and let someone give to you.

Receiving gifts is hard for me... 
Yesterday was orientation and today was my first day at a new job location. They prepared a gift bag full of fun treats and a hand-made card:


I mentioned Pokemon during the interview and they took note of it. Remembered it. Then used it to personalize my card.

Amazing! Stellar Service! Totally blown away.

Inside, though, part of me also took it for granted. Anytime I'm the center of attention I run from it as fast as I can. So I left shortly after and went back to my office to train on the computer.

The whole way back to the desk there was this inner voice saying:

"Aww... that's just what companies do for new hires... you're not that special. Don't let it get to your head..."

News Flash, ladies and gentlemen, that is false humility. It's actually serving to lessen the gift by a refusal to be simply grateful.

I can give and give and give and expect nothing in return, that's second nature to me; however, I have a hard t…

An eye on eternity...

Heart of the City Church

Church Notes from April 29, 2017
Living Life in the Light of Eternity: http://bible.com/events/210278
Guest speaker: Pastor Bob Johnson & his lovely wife, Cindy, with us this weekend from New City Church in Great Falls, Montana!
See Message Here



*These are my notes from church today using the YouVersion live app:

II Corinthians 4:5-16 NKJV For we do not preach ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord, and ourselves your bondservants for Jesus’ sake. For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus …

Change: It's harder than you thought and better than you imagined

I'm at the tail end of an end and the head of a beginning.

After 7 years in Nort Texas (Fort Worth), we moved. We spent the last few months getting the house ready to sell, selling the house, and moving. A week (03/19 - 03/24) was spent on the road and since then we lived in a hotel until we could find a place to live.

On Friday (03/31/17), we moved into our new house (rental). We're still unpacking, building storage shelves, figuring out to live with a basement for washer/dryer (odd).

We just found a store (EntertainmentMart) that sells games, Pokemon cards, and more. They allow the kids and adults to come play against each other live every Monday and Wed. So the kids are now adjusting.

There are things I already really enjoy about North Idaho... some of the transitions were easier than others.

Some things didn't go the way I wanted and some things went better. I just needed to learn to flow, slow down, breath, and listen... it's always about listening to the Holy Sp…

FICO Credit Scores | Everything you need to know & one easy way to build credit without paying interest!

Want to build credit without paying hundreds of dollars in interest? Find out in this article.

Credit Building Myths

So, I'm hearing a lot of people say things that are just not true, don't make sense, or are just plain bad advice, when it comes to building credit.

Credit building is not rocket science. 
It's true that the math formulas behind the scores are actually akin to rocket science math... But some of the basic things the average person needs to know are actually quite simple.

If you want to build credit without paying interest or creating debt read on, or just skip to the bottom to the conclusion. 
I'm sure you've seen this funny commercial:




I wrote a post previously about FICO and Lending Decisions, to tell you how the banks makes the decision to approve or decline your application.

Now I want to bring in the focus a little to some Credit Building basics. The score isn't the only factor used in lending decision, but it's a big one.


What is a FICO credit sc…

Logos, JPG's and More

The best Subheader EVER!
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Pellentesque elementum at nibh vel placerat. Curabitur id efficitur dolor. Cras ac nulla elementum, laoreet erat ultrices, hendrerit magna. Duis vestibulum vulputate arcu accumsan consequat. Praesent ornare porta tellus, mollis ultrices ante euismod ut. Cras at augue ac est lacinia laoreet. Cras posuere auctor magna ac auctor. Suspendisse rutrum odio non placerat dictum. 
The best Minor Header EVER! Maecenas mattis ornare urna. In hendrerit lacus ac porta molestie. Etiam hendrerit sem et ante egestas, et imperdiet magna efficitur. Maecenas auctor orci lacus, eu porttitor tortor dictum sit amet. Nam rutrum malesuada dolor in fringilla. Aenean volutpat nunc quis libero dictum dapibus. Vivamus tristique eros eget velit malesuada rhoncus sed auctor tellus.

Quisque ac nibh leo. Vivamus quis arcu vitae nibh feugiat auctor a sit amet velit. Maecenas posuere tempor vehicula. Suspendisse tincidunt nunc a bibendum …

DNA Of The Heart | Church Notes

Heart Of The City Church May 6, 2017

DNA Of The Heart: http://bible.com/events/213349

==================================== Local churches mentioned in the Bible:

Antioch, Pisidia: Acts 13:14; Gal 1:2 Antioch, Syria: Acts 11:26 (Paul's home base) Athens: Acts 17:34 Babylon: 1 Peter 5:13; Acts 2:9 Berea: Acts 17:11 Caesarea: Acts 10:1,48 Cenchrea: Rom 16:1 Colossae: Col 1:2 Corinth: Acts 18:1 Crete: Titus 1:5 Cyrene: Acts 11:20 Damascus: Acts 9:19 Derbe: Acts 14:20; Gal 1:2 Ephesus: Acts 18:19 Hierapolis Col 4:13 Iconium: Acts 14:1; Gal 1:2 Jerusalem: Acts 2:5 Joppa: Acts 9:36, 38 Laodicea: Rev 1:11, Col 4:15 Lydda: Acts 9:32 Lystra: Acts 14:6; Gal 1:2 Pergamum: Rev 1:11 Philadelphia: Rev 1:11 Philippi: Acts 16:12 Puteoli, Italy: Acts 28:13-14 Rome: Rom 1:7 Sardis: Rev 1:11 Sharon: Acts 9:35 Smyrna: Rev 1:11 Tarsus: Acts 9:30 Thessalonica: Acts 17:1 Thyatira: Rev 1:11; Acts 16:14 Troas: Acts 20:6-7 

House Of Grace --------------------------- You want grace extended to you? Extend gra…

What is a Topos? A strategic position of opportunity and influence

What does Topos mean?Topos is a Greek word meaning: "Place, or Opportunity"
Properly:Any portion of space marked off, as it were, from surrounding, space Metaphorically: The condition or station held by one in any company or assemblyopportunity, power, occasion for actingA spot (general in space, but limited by occupancy; whereas chora is a large but participle locality). As used by me: Topos is a strategic position of opportunity and influence
Topos: Your Calling Everyone has a God given calling on this earth. There is something you were created and designed to do. What you are doing now may be "The Calling"; or, it may be the calling for this season of your life. Either way, you are either in your Topos, or you need to find it.

As you read the stories of biblical heros like Noah, Abraham, Joseph, Moses, David, Nehemiah, Peter, and Paul... etc... you find that God put them in the right place to do the right thing at the right time.

They ended up in their Topos, …

About Me

My photo

Hi! My name is Darrell G. Wolfe. I am a wealth of random information and I make complicated things simple at DarrellWolfe.com.

I have a knack for absorbing information, breaking it down to its root elements, and teaching it to others.

Most importantly, I help purpose-driven people to understand their place in His-Story and provide them the tools they need to fulfill their unique position of opportunity and influence in this world (their Topos).