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Thursday, March 26, 2020

Sex is not intimacy... but they can be related.

Intimacy... 

What's the image that comes to mind with the word "intimacy"? 

Sex, right?

But... What if I told you that sex is not intimacy? In fact, you can have sex without intimacy and intimacy without sex.

In fact, you can have decent sex with a stranger but it's unsatisfying. It only "takes the edge off". 

To have great sex, you must have intimacy. 

Intimacy is a pre-requisite for great sex. 

And intimacy doesn't always lead to sex. 

Intimacy can be had between friends, siblings, parents/kids, and yes, lovers.

Intimacy is a heart connection. 

In fact, connection and intimacy are nearly interchangeable terms. 

Non Romantic Intimacy: Friends

You cannot have real connection with a stranger. Connection requires that we are in relationship. We are vulnerable, real, open, and honest with each other. We not only admit our faults one to another (that's level one) we also admit out need to each other (that's much harder). Admitting our needs is hard. 

Scenario:

You visit someone's house. You think to yourself that you wish you'd brought your water cup inside. The friend offers a glass of water, and you turn it down. You say "No, I'm good, but thanks for offering". 

Why!?

Why do we do that? 

Being vulnerable and admitting needs is hard. 

Some "needy" person that's always asking everyone for everything may make this seem easy. But even that person isn't admitting real needs. Heart level needs. They're just asking for stuff. Still not the same as being vulnerable.

As I have worked on leaving co-dependency behind, I've had to acknowledge that I have real needs. And that I must get those emotional needs met in safe, non romantic community, and be real and vulnerable with them.

Level One: Telling my story and not getting rejected.

Level Two: Asking about their story, and being genuinely interested.

Level Three: Admitting real need. Take the glass of water, foolish child. 

Level Four: ? Don't know, haven't learned that lesson yet. Ha ha...

Intimacy with Jesus

I found intimacy in a romantic relationship with someone who was 1,800 miles away. It ended in disaster. But I learned something. I learned that intimacy isn't about physical proximity.

I built intimacy one text, one phone call, one silly selfie, at a time. 

So when I admitted to myself and God and another human being that I was a relationship addict and I needed to get healthy. I developed a new practical practice that helped me become intimate with Jesus. 

Every time I would have wanted to send something to that girl, I sent it to Jesus instead. I literally opened messenger, and sent a message to myself, addressed to Jesus. 

I even recorded things and sent him those phone calls. 

I went for walks with Him. 

... I built intimacy with Jesus. 

And now we're close. But it took real practical effort in my side. 

Build Intimacy

Go make a friend, sent a text to your kids, compliment your spouse, get into a small group and do life together. 

Make something happen. 

Do things to build the habbit of intimacy. 

Eventually, when you build that with a spouse, it'll enhance your sex life too! 😉

#Selah


1 comment:

  1. I really like the idea of sending a message to your savior instead of a broken human who potentially would only break you more...

    ReplyDelete

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